Inner Musings
by Kageryuu Kiba
Summary: Konzen muses while watching through Sanzo's eyes.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Saiyuki, that right goes to Kazuya Minekura. Also, "Nemo" is by Nightwish.  
**A/N:** Hey, feedback would really be appreciated. I'm not sure if I like how Konzen came out, but it was a product of two in the morning and would not leave me alone. So, any comments/critics would be really appreciated. Thank-you!

**Inner Musings**

I find it absolutely fucking hilarious how this all came to be. As I watch through the dark curtain between me and this incarnation, new memories and old playing in my mind while this incarnation is in a fight to the death, I can't help but wonder at the irony of the gods. How is it that this keeps happening? How is it that I always seem to die young? How is it that I am able to watch what is happening through this curtain of darkness and see what I have become?

Then I realize that the old hag must have had something to do with this. Shit, even after my heavenly death I can't get rid of her meddling. Fuck, some days I wish she would just leave me the hell alone and find another fucking play toy. Other days ... Well, no one is ever going to hear me admit it out loud, but ... Other days I am thankful for being her fucking play toy.

Shit, you can really tell things have gone down hill if I'm admitting that.

_This is me for forever_

_One of the lost ones_

_The one without a name_

_Without an honest heart as compass_

I cringe in my little prison of darkness as a demon manages to land a hit on my current incarnation. How the fuck did I ever end up as a Sanzo priest?? Must have been her fucking hand in it again. I watch as my hand raises with the gun, pulling the trigger and seeing the demon in front of me die. I sigh as my incarnation turns and continues firing into the crowd of demons.

Damn, I really wish Nataku would've done more then just seal Gyomaoh and his family in Houtou Castle. Either that or seal everyone but that bitch that's behind this whole revival. He could've killed her, hands down, and I would have no problem with that. Screw this entire fucking mission to hell, it would've been easier if Nataku would've just killed Gyomaoh.

But then, would the paths and the bonds that tied us all together emerge as strong as they did?

_This is me for forever_

_One without a name_

_These lines the last endeavor_

_To find the missing lifeline_

As I watch the crowd of demons thin, I can't help but try and see the rest of my current incarnations travelling companions. There, not two feet away is Tenpou. Still with a smile on his face while he's in battle. Whether that battle be against demons, humans, or gods ... I don't think I've ever seen him without some form of a smile while fighting. Small, big, fake, cheery ... He always seems to have one or the other while fighting. Hn, how just like him. Damn, even in this incarnation, he's a fighter. Although, in this one he is a hell of a lot cleaner, more organized and a little more calmer. Though he still has his stupid moments.

A flash of silver catches my eye as my current incarnation turns around. Right behind him was Kenren, with that fucking cigarette hanging from his mouth as he's fighting. Shit, he never changes in all these fucking years. Still drinks, still smokes, still womanizes ... I don't think that he'll ever change. Well, except for that god-awful long hair. I never thought in a million fucking years that he would have long hair. He kept bitching that it got in the way up in Heaven. Although, he's still as much a bastard now as he was up there.

Why did I have to tie my karma in with those two?

_Oh how I wish_

_For soothing rain_

_All I wish is to dream again_

_My loving heart_

_Lost in the dark_

_For hope I'd give my everything_

I blink as my current incarnation turns around and fires point blank into a demons face. As the demon falls, I see the reason standing behind him. Goku. Dammit, but that monkey is and was more trouble then ever! Making origami out of my important documents, running around with Nataku, breaking his coronet in Heaven, being my reason to stand up to that old hag of an aunt ... I sigh as I shake my head.

Goku had changed me in Heaven. _"You've changed, Konzen"_ ... Dammit, I didn't want to fucking change you old hag! Well ... Not that much. I was just tired of the monotony of Heaven, of the hypocrisy as much as the next fucking god was. But, I was prepared to continue doing what I had always done anyhow. Fuck, I had enough of her fucking attitude to last me a hundred lifetimes. Goku was the reason I betrayed Heaven. Goku was the reason I stood up to the stupidity. Why kill someone just because they're a heretic?

And why am I now watching my lives behind this fucking curtain of darkness?

_My flower_

_Withered between_

_The pages two and three_

_The once and forever bloom gone with my sins_

Because I dared to stand up to the Heavens. Because I dared to change my entire attitude. Because I dared to care about the heretic. And this all came from my aunt wanting him in Heaven and saddling me with him. I frown as I watch my current incarnation and Goku interact. It is somewhat sickening to see how much Goku worships him, how much Goku fights for him ... How much Goku loves him.

But then, why should I fucking care? After all, isn't he me? Am I not Genjyo Sanzo? Am I not the holder of the Seiten and Maten scriptures? Why should I watch them interact with jealousy? Why should I even care how close they are? It's not like I didn't fucking die to save Goku, with him winding up imprisoned with no memory of me for five hundred fucking years. It's not like I, in my current incarnation, found him in his cave prison and released him. It's not like my current incarnation fucking cares about him.

I can tell myself this all until I'm blue in the fucking face, but it all still comes down to one fucking thing.

_Walk the dark path_

_Sleep with angels_

_Call the past for help_

_Touch me with your love_

_And reveal to me my true name_

I often ask myself, as I watch Goku smile at my incarnation, why I'm jealous of them. Perhaps it's the fact that they can interact freely, with no frowns of displeasure, no whispering following them. Unlike when we were living in the Heavens, down here is more open. Gold eyes do not symbol a heretic. Well they may symbol a demon, they do not stand for what the Heavens define them. Perhaps, it is that fact why I am jealous of the interaction between the two.

Perhaps it is the fact that my current incarnation was the one to find and free Goku from his prison that makes it so much more. He was imprisoned partly because of the damage he did when his coronet broke and partly because Tenpou, Kenren and I dared to speak against the Heavens on his behalf. That I was killed protecting him, perhaps that is why I was able to find him. He was given to me by the old hag to protect, to guide ... Perhaps that is why I was able to find him, to continue fulfilling that duty even in this incarnation.

And when I watch the two of them interact with Tenpou and Kenren in their current incarnations, I wonder what freedom would have been like in Heaven?

_Oh how I wish_

_For soothing rain_

_All I wish is to dream again_

_My loving heart_

_Lost in the dark_

_For hope I'd give my everything_

Fuck, I'm getting sentimental. Perhaps it has to do with the coincidence between my parting with Goku, and Sanzo's parting with Koumyo? After all, I gave my life to protect Goku. As Koumyo did to protect Sanzo. Fuck, it could also have something to do with both Goku and Sanzo being so fucking young to loose their guardians. I may be a lot of fucking things, in all my incarnations, but I'm not completely cold-hearted.

Dammit, only that fucking monkey can make me consider things that I would rather not consider. I shake my head as our current incarnations get into the dragon-turned-into-jeep and continue on the journey west. I wonder if my aunt is having a good fucking time watching from the Heavens. I bet you anything se's enjoying hirself. Fucking meddlesome old hag that se is. I sigh as I close my eyes and lean back into the darkness surrounding me. Perhaps one of these days, I'll be able to breach that fucking curtain and make myself remember everything that happened in Heaven and tell Goku that I don't blame him.

And perhaps I'll tell Tenpou that I know him and Kenren were lovers too, and that I know they are in this life as well.

_Oh how I wish_

_For soothing rain_

_Oh how I wish to dream again_

_Once and for all_

_And all for once_

_Nemo my name for evermore_

Sanzo looked through his bangs at the inn that Hakkai had stopped beside. It looked like a fairly decent one this time, and with the approaching rain it had damn well better have four empty rooms. If he had to share with any of those idiots in the back, he was going to kill someone. Preferably the cockroach. He stretched slightly as they all exited the jeep, trying to get rid of the kink in his neck. He followed the group as they entered the inn, stepping back to let Hakkai deal with the innkeeper.

"Excuse me," Hakkai started, "But would you happen to have some rooms available?"

The innkeeper looked at the group, raising an eyebrow at their appearance. He turned to grab the registry and opened it. Looking down at the list of rooms, he 'hmmed' an 'hawed' for a moment or two. Sanzo ground his teeth lightly at him and tapped his fingers against his leg. Finally the innkeeper looked back up at them.

"Yer lucky, we still have a couple of rooms free." The innkeeper pushed the book towards them. "There's two doubles and four singles left, what can I put you in?"

"We'll take the singles." Sanzo spoke, fishing the Gold Card out and flashing it.

"Singles it is then." The innkeeper nodded. "Just sign yer names here."

Sanzo left Hakkai to sign them in as the innkeeper took the Gold Card to run the room charge through. As soon as he turned around and handed the card back along with the keys to the rooms, Sanzo grabbed the card and a key. He turned to his traveling companions. "I'm crashing, if anyone wakes me, they'll be getting a bullet in the head."

"Yes, yes, good night Sanzo." Hakkai smiled.

_Nemo sailing home_

_Nemo letting go_

Sanzo sighed quietly to himself as he shut the door to his room. That damn monkey put up some fuss about him going to bed early. Fuck, he didn't want to put up with it tonight. He started slowly across the room, pulling the top part of his robes down to leave him in his tank-top and arm sleeves. He rolled his neck again, trying to relieve that stubborn kink.

He heard the quiet pitter-patter and looked up at the window. Great, the rain had started. He sighed again as he stopped by the night table, opening the drawer for an ashtray. Finding one shoved at the back, he closed the drawer and slowly made his way to the window. Setting the ashtray down, he fished in the folds of his robes for his cigarettes and lighter. Upon finding them, he pulled a cigarette out of the pack and put it between his lips. Setting the pack down, he lit his cigarette and took a deep breathe in.

Closing his eyes, Sanzo savored the taste in his mouth. When he exhaled, he felt some of the stress and tension in his body leave with the smoke. He opened his eyes and looked outside, watching the rain come down slowly. He leaned against the window, as he tried to follow that one elusive thought that had been bothering him all day.

_Oh how I wish_

_For soothing rain_

_All I wish is to dream again_

_My loving heart_

_Lost in the dark_

_For hope I'd give my everything_

What would freedom feel like? Sanzo frowns as he brings his cigarette back up to his mouth. His mind has been pondering that since just before the fight with the demons earlier. He inhales deeply again as he tries to remember what is was that made him start thinking about it. Was is something Hakkai had said? Did Goku ask about something along those lines? Had Gojyo commented on something? Sanzo brought his hand down slightly as he exhaled. He watched the patch of window in front of him fog up before vanishing. His eyes following the trails of rain down the window before he leaned back again.

What was it that Koumyo had once told him? He frowned again, taking another hit from his cigarette as Koumyo's words came back to him.

_"Ah look Kouryuu, it seems that the birds are returning to the north. I wonder, who do you think it was that decided that the birds are actually free? Even if they can fly where they please. However, if they find there is no end of their journey, or no safe place to rest their weary wings they may regret having those wings at all. Perhaps true freedom, perhaps true freedom is having a home to return to."_

Sanzo snorted as he continued to stare out of the window, seeing but not seeing the rain.

_Oh how I wish_

_For soothing rain_

_Oh how I wish to dream again_

_Once and for all_

_And all for once_

_Nemo my name for evermore_

I blink as I listen to my current incarnation's memory. Well, fuck. Maybe Koumyo did have something after all. Perhaps that is true freedom. Would Heaven have held that? Would I have wanted Heaven to hold that? I will never know.

Perhaps the freedom I wanted, I can never find. And if that's the case, well fuck it. If freedom can be such a fleeting thing, who wants it? Who needs it?

And then I remember those innocent gold eyes, and the chains around his wrists. And it all comes back to that fucking monkey. Five hundred years ago, he didn't understand why he had to wear those chains. Five hundred years ago, I was so bored I could feel my brain melting. Five hundred years ago, we stirred things up. Five hundred years ago, I wouldn't be fucking caught dead pondering the things I have now.

I look through my current incarnations eyes to the rain outside. Perhaps I still have a chance as long as he can pick up on some of my thoughts. Perhaps I can break through this curtain after all.

I smirk as the darkness closes around me again. I just have to bid my time ...

_Nemo my name for evermore_

In the Heavens, one Bodhisattva watches in hir lily pond and smiles to hirself.

"See Konzen, I told you things that didn't change were dull." Se shakes hir head as se watches Sanzo shake his head and glare out the window. "You are still capable of being his sun, after five hundred years."

And with that thought, Kanzeon Bosatsu smiles and raises from hir chair. "Some people never change. No matter how many times they die. No matter how many times their reborn."


End file.
